Thursday, November 25, 2010

Princess Cupcake The Troll

Most trolls don't survive long in captivity.  If leg restraints are used, they will gladly chew off their own foot to escape.  One specimen, named "MonkeyCheese" bled to death after chewing off both hands and the wrong foot trying to escape.

We were very lucky with the troll we came to know as "Princess Cupcake".  Stranded alone after Booger-Nose crashed the sim, we captured Cupcake without event.  We took it as a sign she had the will to survive when, after her first forty-eight hours in captivity, Cupcake demanded "You niggers got any food up in here?"

Cupcake was a healthy middle-aged female.  You could tell she whelped at least one troll pup because her breasts were thin and dangled like hanged men.  It wasn't unusual to capture her without her pup though since trolls are well-known for eating their young if they get bored.

The first primatologists we brought in to study Cupcake was something of a disaster. 

"Who's this faggot?"  Cupcake demanded.  "What the fuck is wrong with your avatar you Aussie piece of Crap?  Do you even have a job?"  Dr. Blinkman resigned after Cupcake defecated into her own hand hand threw it at him.

Barbara Godwin was different though.  Studied under Jane Goodall and Dianne Fossey, Godwin held the controversial theory that trolls don't use their voice for communication at all, but rather as a defense mechanism like the quills of a porcupine or the spray of a skunk.

"Who's this bitch?" Cupcake demanded.  "Where's your real life picture?  What's with your ears bitch? Can you fly with those?"

Godwin remained still and determined.

Eventually Cupcake grew to accept the presence beyond her cage bars as Godwin moved a little closer each day.

"To communicate with a troll", Godwin calculated, "you must provide them with some means of communicating besides their voice, which is solely reserved for defense, or rather offense."  Citing similar studies with gorillas, Godwin decided to try and teach Cupcake American Sign Language, with some success.

"Cupcake lonely" Cupcake signed one day.  Separated from her own kind and ignored for long hours in her cage while scientists watched Jersey Shore, it wasn't surprising to discover Cupcake felt the pangs of her isolation.

Again, citing studies with gorillas, Godwin tried giving Cupcake a kitten to keep her company.  You could almost see the smile on the trolls distorted face when she held her kitten.  She stroked it's downy fur with her stubby troll fingers.  Trolls aren't very coordinated though, and often don't know their own strength, so Cupcake soon pulled the head off her cute playmate.

Dejected, she sat in the corner of her cage playing with her own feces.  "Fagot Kitten" she mumbled over and over.

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