Friday, June 18, 2010

Tough Guys On The Internet

Sometimes you can just look at a person and tell how it's going to end. They never do, but everyone else can.

His name was Nathan24. Not his real name, of course, but it's his name on Secondlife and that's where the story takes place.

It was crowded when Nathan24 came into Moose Beach so I hadn't really noticed him. After the third female asked him to stop sending them IM's and friend requests, I decided to look up and see what we were dealing with.

Guys who try to act and dress tough in real life give me a chuckle, on SecondLife it's more like a guffaw.

Although over six-hundred days old, Nathan24 looked like your typical tough-guy noob. All the sliders on his body shape were at 100, blue jeans, no shirt, a rodeo-sized belt buckle, and biker boots.

Let me say this about tribal tattoos: if you're actually in a tribe, I think they're pretty cool. When you're not in a tribe, then I think they're a big neon sign that says "dork inside". Nathan24's tribal tattoos looked like tiger stripes drawn by a ten-year-old.

Tiger stripes aside, the best part about his avatar was the massive prim chain with enough bling scripts in it to function as a lighthouse. All that glitters is not gold, and on SecondLife, it doesn't even really glitter.

"Why don't you shawties come stand by me?" Nathan24 asked in text.

I'm not one to judge a person by the vocabulary or accent they use--if it's from their actual culture. Nathan24's avatar looked white, but sometimes a brother has a hard time finding a decent looking dark skin, know-what-I'm-sayin? Nathan24 was 600 days old though, and something inside told me this was a white guy.

I don't know if it was one solicitous, sexist, IM too many or what, but one of the "shawties" chose that moment to rip into Nathan24 like there was no tomorrow.

So far, all of Nathan24's comments had been in text chat, so I took this opportunity to point out on voice that he was probably fourteen, which would explain his awkwardness with the opposite sex.

I can't imagine this was the first time someone accused Nathan24 of being an adolescent on the internet, but whatever the reason, Nathan24 chose that moment to go on voice and prove he wasn't fourteen years old. And what a voice it was: imagine Joe Pesci from the movie "Goodfellas", only imagine it with about half a hit of helium and a bit of brain damage and you'd have Nathan24's voice.

Once on voice, he wouldn't get off, and went on and on about how we were all nerds and all he was looking for was some trim and how all the British there (who were actually Australian and Kiwi) could go fuck themselves, and the "shawties" could go fuck themselves, and the Phantom of the Opera dude could go fuck himself too. That was me.

My friend Mattttttt, a British fucker (who's actually from New Zealand) took this opportunity to talk with Nathan24 in a voice that was a cross between someone with downs-syndrome and actress Marlee Matlin.

For some reason, the funny voice drove Nathan24 into a blue rage and he screamed out a stream of words that were mostly "fuck" or "fuckin'" and made absolutely no sense, as loud as he possibly could for something like fifteen minutes, red-lining the entire time.

I took this opportunity (while laughing to tears) to count Nathan24's scripts and turn on transparencies and saw that, although he spent no money on the outward appearance of his avatar, Nathan24 bought every weapon ever made for SecondLife and was wearing them there at Moose Beach...where none of them worked...and they lagged him terribly. This internet tough guy was ready for anything. Or so he thought...

I usually only wear one weapon. It's called "have a nice day" and it's made from one prim and one short script and works pretty much anywhere. I positioned myself next to Nathan24 and pressed the magic combination of keys to make him fly off into the horizon, lagged far too badly by his useless guns and swords and HUDS to do anything to prevent his trajectory.

SecondLife adds a Doppler effect to the voice channel to help simulate the 3-D environment, so we could hear Nathan24's "Fuck you, fuckin fuck fucker....." fade off into the distance as his avatar sailed toward the next sim.

You see, Nathan24 is one of those guys with such a massive chip on their shoulder that they go through life looking for opportunities to prop up their failing ego. With computers at home, many of them make it into SecondLife thinking it an easy conquest to finally make them feel like a man. It almost never works out that way though.

We could hear Nathan24 screaming on microphone as he struggled to make his way back to Moose Beach. I knew what was coming and it's my favorite part. "What's you're address mother fucker?" Nathan24 demanded as soon as he was in range.

"I'm gonna send thirty black guys to fuck you in the ass, mother-fucker."

"How do you know so many black guys who like gay sex?" I ask.

"What are you queer or something?" Asked Nathan24. I love it when they're homophobes too (and they almost always are).

"Sure!" I answer. "Would you like to dance?"

At this point, we could hear Nathan24 throw off his head phones and stamp around his room throwing things. Why do they always forget to turn the microphone off when they do that?

"Fuckin' retard fagget mother fucker. I'm gonna kick your ass, you computer geek fagget" Nathan24 shouted in the background.

After some fumbling noises and more cursing, Nathan24 put his headphones back on and addressed me directly.

"What's your address fagget? I have a forty-five with your name on it."

This isn't the first time someone has threatened my life over the internet. Nero does it three or four times a week. For twenty years tough guys on the internet have sworn to my demise, but I'm still here.

I can tell Nathan24 is near his breaking point.

"You don't know who you're dealing with mother fucker! You don't know who you're dealing with!" Nathan24 shouts.

"Ok" I ask calmly, "who are you?"

Although a perfectly logical question to Nathan24's statement, this was one logical point too many and Nathan24's mind, already working beyond its capacity, just broke.

What came out of Nathan24's mouth next was pure word salad. Some of it was "fuck" something or another, but most of it wasn't even words, just parts of words, not connected by any semblance of a sentence, and in the middle of his word salad rant, Nathan24 stops, turns his avatar around and begins to walk away, into the bowels of Bay City--away from his taunters on Moose Beach.

I follow him for a while, to the sound of his word salad getting farther and farther away. Eventually white dots swirl around his avatar and Nathan24 teleports away, another candidate for the rage quit hall of fame.

It always ends the same with tough guys on the internet. They don't know it, but it always does.


  1. OH must TP me next time...I love these. Remember the guy we had at Benares?...
    the one thats real life picture indicated he was a sweet looking nice young guy with long hair about 20ish? His first life profile said he was a Compton DUDE! (for those that don't know the word Compton ...Google it.) Those that do know Compton understand he couldn't walk a block at noon in Compton.

  2. I enjoyed reading this! Wish I had been there! But reading your animated story is a good substitute.


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